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I don’t know what it is about this time of year that makes me want to scream, jump up and down, throw things, hit people, and just plain old rip my fucking hair out. I don’t want this to be a blog about my weight (the world knows we have MORE than enough of those), but I do want to make it known that I am overweight. I do not find myself in the slightest bit attractive. I wish I could feel sexy and confident, but I have absolutely lost that about myself. So, when other people say, “there’s no way you weigh that much.” I give thanks and move on in the conversation. Because whether or not you see me this way, when I look at myself I see a big fat cow. I actually call myself that.”COW.” All the time. When I sit down, when I stand up, when I walk. “Cow.” I’ve never told anyone that, but now I guess I have. I realize I’m writing this blog as though I’m writing to someone else, even though it’s likely no one will ever read it. Which is okay, because no one ever listens when I talk. I’ve never been important enough to listen to. Never had but one person who gave a shit enough to actually listen. I don’t even listen to me most of the time. I start to think something, then cut it off to tell myself that it’s not okay to think those things.
I need someone to talk to. Someone I can divulge my inside self too. Sad. More later. I have a headache.


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