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I had an epiphany! The reason I miss S so fuckin much is that he listened. He actually LISTENED when I talked. No matter what fucked up, twisted, or inane shit came out of my mouth he listened. He cared, he remembered, he gave a fuck. And he talked to me. Not just bullshit, but TALKED. Like I was a real person, like I mattered. And I did matter. My opinion mattered. I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything. He trusted me. I miss being trusted, I miss being relied on. I miss having someone that wanted me for more than a fuck and a maid. With him I felt safe. In his lap all of my problems were solved. And if we had never been more than friends I could have kept him forever. I love him very much. Yes, love. I will always love him. They say all wounds heal. How long is it going to take? Because I don’t think I’ll ever find what I had with him ever again. And that’s why I cry. I miss him with EVERY fiber of my being. And there’s nothing to fix it. I cry. All the time, but have no one to cry to. No one whom I can tell all my woes. I miss him. I wish I could have him back, but I can’t. Ever.

He was my best friend. My confidant. In his lap I was safe, nothing could touch me. When my hand was in his there was no battle we could not fight and win together. He was my soul mate, and I was his. We filled every gap for each other, covered every flaw, made each other whole and perfect. His voice could make the darkest days full of sunlight just because I knew he was truly concerned. I ask myself almost every day, did I make the right decision? Some days it’s “yes,” and some days it’s “no.” But everyday, from the day I said we’re over until the day I die, will be another day without him. Without my everything. I don’t know that I will EVER find that again.

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