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New, new, new. Like a 3 month old baby. I’ve tried to blog, but fallen miserably behind then forgotten what site I was on, but look, an app! I need somewhere, I guess, to vent my frustrations about life and what not. Not sure what that is at this point, but maybe I’ll figure it out. Most people (from what I understand) start a blog with a specific topic in mind and expand on that. I, however, do not have such a thing thus far. I KNOW there is something missing in my life, though I haven’t a clue how to pinpoint what it may be. Possibly I can figure that out here. I know that I’m not happy. That I need something else. I guess we’ll see won’t we?
I’m not a very “open” person. Whether it be in real life, or online. My life is an “open book.” I will tell you all about my childhood. My verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive mother. Or all about how I was raped by a family member when I was a child. I can give you the ins and outs of my childhood, my early marriage, my soon to follow divorce. I can tell you all about my children. But none of that even touches what’s inside.
The things I keep locked up for fear of how others will look at me. Of how the world will see me when they hear my name. And the things I have only ever told one person, but no longer get to speak to that one person. So all of my thoughts, feelings, desires, yearnings, fantasies, and everything else on the inside stay right where they are. I don’t have anyone I can trust with these things, because …well… can you really trust anyone? Sure, lots of people out there will say that they don’t judge, that they won’t judge. But, they do, they will, and they’ll humiliate you when they do it.
We live in a “Christian” society. Which basically means, if I don’t like what you do or how you live then you’re wrong, a freak of nature, an animal, someone to not be associated with. Then, you become a social pariah. And that would make me a social/emotional pariah. So, is it better to keep it all locked up? Maybe. But maybe I’ll just be me on the internet.
There’s an old Savage Garden song that says, “on the telephone I can be anybody I want to be.” Or something along those lines. Well, I’m on my phone, and I think I’ll just be me.



  1. I think you have a lovely blog. 🙂

  2. We’ve all been through a lot. My own childhood was unpleasant. My family rarely talks to me anymore. I have my husband and my 2 kids and I’m learning that that’s all I need. I am hoping that one day they will just one day call and ask me how I am doing, but I know that it is not likely to happen. So I am sticking to the ones that do care and show me they love me and not gonna let the others bring me down. I hope you can learn to trust at least 1 or a select few people. Having some one to trust is one of the key things to life.


    Here is my blog if you would like to read and comment. Thanks!

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